The Big Five-o

When is it that life’s supposed to begin? Some people are saying that fifty is the new forty; whatever the case, we’re in a sorry state of affairs if we’re reaching such a big milestone and life hasn’t really started to get going yet.

Just in case you hadn’t guessed, I have just clocked up my half century. I wasn’t really worried about it a few weeks ago, it’s just another day after all, just another number. I had a wonderful party the Saturday before the big day, that made me feel truly blessed, but when the actual day finally came around, I started to feel a little bit overwhelmed. A sadness hit me and I suddenly started feeling a little bit lost. It reminded me of how I felt in my early twenties. I wrote a poem about my experiences back then, one that I won’t subject you to now, but it described the feeling of being alone on a boat in a storm with the rain lashing down and the waves crashing about me. I was scared, alone and directionless. That’s exactly the feeling that hit me again on my fiftieth birthday, out of nowhere: the feeling that the world is sweeping me along, with no clear sense of where I’m heading, and all I can do is to hold on for dear life.

A mini mid-life crisis? Maybe. But is does shift my attention to a really simple question: if I’m holding on for dear life, just what, exactly, am I holding on to? And this is a question that some of the times of greatest crisis in my life have given me an answer to. Back in my early twenties there was one particular year when I was really struggling. I was away from home, away from family and had found myself in a situation where I was not finding any joy in life. I had come to the end of my own resources and I was not coping. Perhaps it was because of my desperation and deep sense of vulnerability but what happened in a moment then was what I can only describe as a divine encounter. I was alone, in the lounge of the house I was living at, and, for whatever reason, I was listening to music. I can’t even remember what I was listening to but, while I was listening, I had a sudden sense that God really did love me and that He was right there with me in the room, holding me, comforting me. It was the most famous verse in the Bible made manifest, just for me, a tangible extension of the words: ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.’ It was an instant and profound sense that Jesus really had died on that cross, all those years ago, to save me, and not just to save me but to save me so that I can enjoy the most amazingly fulfilling relationship that anyone can ever experience - with God, forever. That encounter didn’t stop all my struggles but it did give me a new perspective on them. And slowly, over the years since then, God has been gradually reinforcing His Truth in my heart. There’s that bit in Psalm 119:105, ‘Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path,’ together with the image of the Holy Spirit surrounding me and lovingly urging me to take the next step. And the periodic reminder to hold onto His promises through Habakkuk 2:3: ‘For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.’ And plenty of other personal encouragements and feelings besides.

It's not nice feeling alone and out of control, which is why it’s vital, for me at least, to hold onto the revelation that, no matter how I’m feeling, I am never truly alone and that, no matter how out of control my life, my situation, the world feels, I have a loving Father right beside me, holding my hand with his sure, firm grip. A Father who absolutely delights in shepherding my every step.