Reprogramming Our Automated Defences

It’s good we have built in defences: ones that protect us physically and emotionally. The world doesn’t always have our best interests at heart and we need protection once in a while. Sometimes though our automated defences get a little bit, or a lotta bit… well… overzealous and start shooting down things they really shouldn’t be. It happened to me the other night. My wife and I had some wonderful friends over, we’d had dinner and had settled into playing a game together. We were having a lovely time until, with absolutely no malicious, or even conscious, intent, I started finding myself making all sorts of decisions that completely scuppered my wife’s bids for victory, which naturally caused her a not inconsiderable degree of frustration. My wife is an amazing, self-assured sort of person, who is, yes, diplomatic, but also, usually, not all that afraid to make her feelings known. She therefore, quite reasonably, made a comment following one of my more vexing decisions that had inadvertently spoilt her plans.

At this point – an idea that is now gloriously framed by the wonders of hindsight - the best part of me would have calmly and lovingly acknowledged and soothed her vexation, thereby defusing the situation and returning us to a place of marital harmony. Unfortunately, my internal missile crew had other ideas. A split second after my wife’s distress was made known an old air raid siren in the back of my head started blaring. The defence crew, startled into a state of alertness, knocked back the last dregs of their cups of expresso, threw down their cards and rushed to the battery. With well-practiced fluidity they locked onto their target, loaded a warhead and swiftly blew the incoming threat out of the sky before whooping, high-fiving and marching back to the barracks for a celebratory doughnut. In less than the blink of an eye my defences had been roused and had expertly eliminated an incoming threat.

But. Well. Er. It wasn’t a threat really, was it? It was a comment, born of frustration, elicited by my wife, that my subconscious had taken to task. Something deep inside me had been offended and automatically decided, without a chance for rational intervention, that the best thing to do in response was to justify myself and blow away any sense of external and internal criticism. A button inside me had been pressed, and the button was big… and red. Overzealous? Yes. Unintentional? Also, yes. Unfortunate and unnecessary? Absolutely. When I could have calmly taken a step back, seen my wife’s frustration for what it was and sought to empathise and sooth, instead I went all DEFCON 1 and blasted her away with a full-on defensive salvo.

Why did I do that? Why did my insecurity have the fast track to my emotional emergency button? Why, in that moment, did I feel the need to protect myself from one of the people closest to my heart, one of the people, the person, I trust the most?

Well, there are lots of possible answers to that question and we really don’t have the time to deconstruct them now but one thing’s for sure: I might need to take a closer look at my internal defences and reprogram them a bit. It’s absolutely vital to be able to protect ourselves from genuine threats but when our ability to identify friend from foe gets a little bit squiffy it's time for a recalibration…

Right, I’m off for a coding lesson. Stay safe everyone and try not to blow anyone out of the sky who doesn’t deserve it!

Till next time…